Not-so-helpful communication patterns tend to overrun your conversations leading to more tension than you might like in your relationships.

You may find yourself: 

• Dipping your toe into setting boundaries, but finding it hard to keep them. Or, setting too rigid of boundaries.
• Knowing what you want, but having a hard time expressing it
• Freezing or shutting down in a conversation when the conversation feels high-stakes
• Shying away from being completely honest because it feels safer to hide what’s really happening in your head
• Feeling scared of being rejected for your ideas
• Getting defensive when someone challenges your behavior

It may be natural for you to try and control how people perceive you or feel like you have to be perfect. Or, it may be natural for you to try and control the conversation (or the other person), so that you don’t have to sit in discomfort.

We develop all sorts of unconscious communication patterns to help us survive and adapt to our environment. But that doesn’t mean those are still serving us.

When our unconscious communication patterns surface, our relationships suffer. 

You might be finding:

• Yourself asking, “Why does it have to be this hard?”
• Intimacy is lacking, even though you’re craving more of it
• Conflict to be challenging and disconnecting
• Yourself hiding pieces of the truth to protect how others see you

We’re not taught effective communication skills in school. 

As a result, you’ve been left to figure out how to set boundaries, handle conflict with care, listen well, and advocate for your wants and needs on your own.

There’s good news though, when you become aware of the specific unconscious patterns popping up in your relationship and improve your communication skills in that area, you can drastically improve your relationships.

These are three of the most common unconscious communication patterns that add turmoil to relationships:

1. Not making specific asks
2. Your boundaries are too rigid or too porous
3. Needing the other person to change

What you can do right now:

To help you develop communication that’s clearer than a Banff lake, practice getting curious in conversations. Asking questions is a great way to give yourself the space to respond instead of defaulting to your automatic reaction.

And here’s a quick tip to help you get more comfortable with conflict and ease tension…

Remember this…conflict is an unmet need poorly expressed. So when conflict comes up, practice getting curious, “What’s my underlying need here?” and consider asking the other person, “Do you have a specific need right now?” 

Opening the door for needs to be met, helps your conversations and relationships flow more smoothly!

If you want to explore and transform your specific unconscious patterns wreaking havoc on your relationship, book a free 15-minute call with me. We’ll go over your results, and I’ll give you suggestions to start shaking things up right away.